Shoff Screens “The Mummy”

(Warning: Spoilers Ahead)

This past weekend, I had the unfortunate displeasure of screening “The Mummy”. The film stars Tom Cruise as a soldier of fortune, however misfortune may be more appropriate as he accidentally unearths the tomb of an Ancient Egyptian princess named Ahmanet after ordering an air strike on a small town in Iraq. Yep, he orders an air strike on a small village in Iraq. Why, you ask? Oh, because he is being pursued by Iraqi soldiers for, I guess, just existing. The film doesn’t make this clear, just jumps the audience into the fray as the reasons for much of anything in the movie are seemingly insignificant. The gist is, Tommy Boy possesses a “treasure map” which he stole from a hot chick who he wined, dined, and boned (a sexual encounter the movie attempts to poke fun at with multiple jokes about his 15 seconds of, ahem, “internal” fame). The jokes don’t land, and it just gets awkward, kind of like Tom’s jacked up mid-line when he smiles. Ok, got his teeth out of the way, so now I can confidently move forward with this incoherent plot.

So to get the Iraqi heat off his back, he orders an air strike, because why not? How else are we going to carve into the Earth’s crust with enough force to reveal the titular Mummy? Explosions abound, and down Tom slides into the newly created cavern. Once down there, he and his fellow soldier buddy/comic relief failure mess with the tomb, stealing rings and firing guns at spiders and ropes, which cause the sarcophagus to be discovered.

Tom becomes cursed, getting visions of the princess. His friend gets bit and becomes a zombie. The coffin is carried out of the tomb and brought on board a cargo plane, and from there, the whole plot goes down in an epic blaze, just like the plane in the movie. However, unlike the movie, I doubt even Tom a Cruise will be able to walk away from this one completely unscathed.

The movie’s biggest sin is that it is so incredible boring. I found myself taking mummy-level micro naps throughout the film. And upon waking up, I realized I hadn’t missed a thing.

Near the movie’s end, *spoiler alert* Tom Cruise decides to sacrifice himself to become a monster with power over life and death in order to save the hot chick he previously boned and has known for all of 48 hours. Because apparently people do that. Yep, not sure I would opt for eternal darkness and monster movie membership over a 15-second one night stand.

At one point, Tom Cruise has a line after becoming a monster where he questions how to revive said hot chick and says “I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know what I’m doing!” As soon as I heard it, I thought he was probably also talking about his decision to star in this flop.

By the end of the movie, Tom Cruise becomes the Mummy … sort of … it’s kind of unclear. He rides off into the Egyptian sunset with bandages wrapped around his hands, a shemagh covering his face (probably the boldest move the movies makes, covering Tom Cruise’s face), and the film ends completely open-ended.

After seeing this movie, I can’t help but think that the Dark Universe does not have a bright future.

The Mummy? More like “The Meh-mmy”.

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