(Warning: Spoilers Ahead)
This past weekend, I had the unfortunate displeasure of screening “The Mummy”. The film stars Tom Cruise as a soldier of fortune, however misfortune may be more appropriate as he accidentally unearths the tomb of an Ancient Egyptian princess named Ahmanet after ordering an air strike on a small town in Iraq. Yep, he orders an air strike on a small village in Iraq. Why, you ask? Oh, because he is being pursued by Iraqi soldiers for, I guess, just existing. The film doesn’t make this clear, just jumps the audience into the fray as the reasons for much of anything in the movie are seemingly insignificant. The gist is, Tommy Boy possesses a “treasure map” which he stole from a hot chick who he wined, dined, and boned (a sexual encounter the movie attempts to poke fun at with multiple jokes about his 15 seconds of, ahem, “internal” fame). The jokes don’t land, and it just gets awkward, kind of like Tom’s jacked up mid-line when he smiles. Ok, got his teeth out of the way, so now I can confidently move forward with this incoherent plot.